Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
