Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
