i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
