Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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