so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
