At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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