Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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