i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
