Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
