You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
