my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
