just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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