yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
