i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
