i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
