Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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