My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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