ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
