I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
