My hand turned me down
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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