He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
