Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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