Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
