I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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