does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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