oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
