how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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