i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
God, I missed his penis.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
