They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
PANTIES FOUND
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