Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
