he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
