She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
