The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I enjoy the company of your penis
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
