Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
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