There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
