when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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