Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
