I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
