I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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