dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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