Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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