Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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