please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
