Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
