Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
