I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
