i may or may not be watching the land before time
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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