remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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