I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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