i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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