Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
