Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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