textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
