went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
