possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
