Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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