I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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