I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
