it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
