You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
